A Little Lighter Everyday

I’ve finally been shown the light! Can you believe it? I never thought I’d be the one who could lose weight since I love food so much… well, let me tell you… I may never be “skinny” again, but I also know I don’t want to be “fat”.

Among all these horrible things I’ve been thinking and feeling these past months, I’ve been able to do something that makes me happy. Of all the things in the world that I stress about, especially those I can’t control, I’ve managed to come out of it with at least one positive outlook and result.

I have learned (finally) that I can still eat what I want to eat as long as I do it in moderation. I’ve been focusing on only eating when I’m hungry and to chop my portion sizes to the minimum. When making dinner, instead of using the large plate to serve myself, I use the smaller plate. I eat less red meat and more salad; more vegetables and less junk food. I drink as many liquids as I possibly can (no matter what it is). If I really want fast food, which I haven’t eaten in weeks, I order whatever I want minus fries and eat only half.

I started this diet because I was so fed up with myself. I’ve tried for the past two years to “diet” and “exercise” but let’s get serious… Dieting is not my “thing”. I finally got over the mentality of all that you “can’t eat”, which always makes me want them more, and decided to go the route of minimizing my intake as much as I can. Surprisingly, I eat a fraction of what I used to and I don’t feel hungry at all. I’ve minimized my soda intake, but not eliminated it, added more vegetables and salads to my diet but HAVE to spruce it up with deliciousness like cranberries, a bit of cheese, delicious dressings and random flavors. After cutting my soda intake and my food intake, I’ve realized I can’t drink alcohol like I used to and even soda sits heavy in me now. I limit my “unhealthy beverage intake” because my body rejects it, not because I don’t want it. My body and mind are not necessarily on the same page all the time… but they’re working towards the same goal.

I’ve tried to do this in the past (over a year ago and again several months ago) but I always fall off the wagon. Something happens and boom! I’m right back where I started. I’ve promised myself I won’t do that this time. So far, I’ve done really well and it’s my thinking and habits that have changed, not the foods I eat.

Two months later, I’ve lost 20 pounds! On average, that’s 2.5 pounds a week!!! As a present to myself, I bought a really cute, black, faux leather jacket that didn’t fit me before. Even my shoulders shrank! Lol. In one week, I lost about an inch off the fattest part of my stomach and a quarter to half an inch off my thighs and arms. Even people at work notice something different about me (although they don’t really know what it is yet, haha).

I do a bit of cardio as often as I can, am trying to strengthen my core, and whenever I get the chance I park a little farther away from the front entrance and take the stairs whenever possible. I believe it’s the little things that make a difference. Now, of course, the only times I make the exception to park right in front of the door is when it’s night time and the parking lot is not well-lit! *cough* LA FITNESS *cough*

I’m definitely a pessimist so I need to “see results” in order to maintain my current path and believe that it’s actually possible. I’m my own inspiration at this point and that makes me happiest because the only one who can disappoint me is I! I won’t let that happen. For years I’ve been unhappy with the way I looked and felt and now I’ve jump started my new lifestyle for a happy, healthier body and mind.

I may still be a pessimist but I’m no longer ashamed to get on the scale, wear those trendier outfits and maybe even do myself up a little more so my exterior matches how I feel inside. What a major difference I feel already…. And I still have twenty pounds to go until I reach my target weight!

This isn’t about being skinny and this isn’t about pleasing anyone else. This is about loving who I am, what I look like and what I can wear. This is about being healthier and feeling better in my own skin. THIS is about ME.

Not for the Faint of Heart

Dear “Jerks Who Continue To Ruin Me”,

I hate you. I hate what you do, I hate how you live, I hate who you are, and I hate that you get away with it. What I hate more is that you make me think about doing it too so maybe I could benefit off those who work for a living and not have to do it myself (just like you do). Alas, I would get caught because I’m not a jackass who masters the art of being a leech.

Yes, I hate you. Don’t know how else I can describe the way I feel once I’ve been violated like this (not just once but time and time again) but to put off my immense, deep hatred onto you and your “friends” who live as parasites off those who work hard to get what they want/need and try everything they can to keep it.

If that’s how society works- “work hard so others don’t have to…” then I quit.

Put me on Medi-Cal because I don't want to get a job. Give me un-employment so I can use the excuse that the economy is so tough right now so I’m just gonna sit on my ass for over a year, collecting those lovely checks. Put me in a Section 8 house that’s nicer than all my neighbors’ houses because I can’t afford to pay rent.

The thing that bothers me more than you taking what I had and selling it at a profit, what bothers me more than changing my mentality because I see you get away with it, that bothers me more than looking at everyone who does nothing and gets more than those who are actually working for it…. 

The thing that bothers me the most out of everything I’m going through is that I pay almost $1,000 a month to live in a place where I don’t feel safe. Every morning I walk downstairs, phone in hand, ready to call the cops because my car is missing. Every day at lunch, I go home so I can at least know if someone breaks into my apartment I have a smaller window of time that I can tell the cops it happened. Every day when I get home from work, I half run to my door so I can quickly slide in my key and immediately lock the door behind me in fear that someone was following me. Every night, I tie up the bag of garbage and leave it by my front door because I can’t go outside after dark. I can’t sleep through the night without aid. Every weekend I pray that either my mom comes down the hill or she wants me to come up because I don’t want to sit there by myself… vulnerable to you douchebags who prey off the “haves”. I hate when it rains. Every sound I hear, every rustling tree, every barking dog and every thump on the roof or on my patio reminds me that someone might try to break in. God forbid I’m there when it happens.

I hate that I can't sit in silence, even for 5 seconds, because I'm afraid of where my mind will go. I hate that I sometimes pray you will just get it over with so I won’t have to wait for the day that it will happen, because as history has proven…. It WILL happen. I hate who I have become because of who you are.

So here’s a big THANKS and F*** YOU!